Change is a certainty. No earthly thing escapes the unwavering hand of time. Our experiences are fleeting – the blissful and torturous ones alike. So when you are gripped with suffering know that it will not withstand, and when you are brimming with joy remember to appreciate every second before the magic fades. That is why I’m here today – to speak of change and upheaval. It’s been a moment since I’ve bothered to blog about anything. Not because I don’t have thoughts I’d like to share. Perhaps sometimes because I have more thoughts than I feel I can share. Since my breakdown in 2019 nothing has been the same. I’m quite certain I will never be the person I was before. That girl is dead. I see her now – a younger, lighter version of me. When I say lighter I mean simpler, not that I was ever a simple person. But I was able to enjoy simple pleasures by a mechanism which now eludes me because I can no longer bypass deeper truths. Once you’ve seen something you can’t unsee it. And though you will eventually move through it and past it, there is no forgetting. That girlish version of me danced around the wound, evaded it, until I ignored it so long it ruptured. Those simple pleasures (shopping sprees, brunch with friends, weekend getaways) were a form of coping, a distraction. In this moment, although profoundly more aware, I feel heavier. I know even this feeling will fade in time, and perhaps a sense of ease will return, in a new and different way.
In a tangible sense, my life has changed tremendously over the past year. COVID took us all by storm and tossed us around in various contortions. For some it was more tumultuous than others. In my case, it exacerbated an existing wound until it became so unbearable my only option was annihilation. A dismantling of my mental, emotional, and physical circumstances. A calamitous death and rebirth. A shedding of the life I created for myself as a product of my wounding and conditioning. I have have lost an awful lot, and I am still grieving those losses. The transition has induced a wave of highs and lows as my life restructures into what I can’t predict. The dust is swirling around me, and as I wait for it to settle, I am closer to alignment with myself, my essence, my soul.
There’s so much more to say, and I’m feeling called to re-launch my blog in a different format. Fashion is one of my greatest loves, as it has served as a powerful creative outlet throughout my life. But the message is different now. To be honest, I always felt a bit silly declaring “Here’s my dress. Isn’t it cute? This is where you can buy it!” I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with sharing a cute outfit pic – I still love sharing my outfits and following along with others. But my soul aches to contribute at a deeper level, because that is the person I’ve always been.