I recently watched this video produced by Refinery29, titled “What Being In A Polyamorous Relationship Is Like”. I follow Refinery29 and the video happened to pop up in my Facebook feed. I scroll past a lot of rubbish on Facebook, but this title caught my attention because I’m a proponent of polyamory and was curious about the content of the video. Although the material could’ve been presented in a more mature and informed fashion, I think the topic itself is relevant, and I’m glad someone is tackling these controversial subjects. The reality is I don’t often talk about what I believe because I realize a lot of my opinions might be unpopular or frowned upon. It’s taken me a long time to get to a place where I’m comfortable with my authentic voice. As a child I was aware that my thoughts and feelings did not exactly align with the world around me and I often felt like an outsider. In elementary school I had very few friends, and was bullied by the other children to an alarming degree. I dreaded going to school and felt a tremendous amount of angst around not fitting in. By the time middle school rolled around I started dabbling in drugs (for a variety of reasons) but the feeling of being on the fringes was definitely one of them. Somewhere along the way, after facing numerous challenges in my teen years, I decided I needed to get my life “on track” and I mistakenly equated “on track” with conformity. There’s a lot more to this story but for now I want to focus on the concept of polyamory, and since I’m not a fan of the connotations this might stir up, I’d like to employ the term “conscious non-monogamy”. For me this is not a trend, as Refinery29 spins it in their infomercial.Continue reading
Change is a certainty. No earthly thing escapes the unwavering hand of time. Our experiences are fleeting – the blissful and torturous ones alike. So when you are gripped with suffering know that it will not withstand, and when you are brimming with joy remember to appreciate every second before the magic fades. That is why I’m here today – to speak of change and upheaval. It’s been a moment since I’ve bothered to blog about anything. Not because I don’t have thoughts I’d like to share. Perhaps sometimes because I have more thoughts than I feel I can share. Since my breakdown in 2019 nothing has been the same. I’m quite certain I will never be the person I was before. That girl is dead. I see her now – a younger, lighter version of me. When I say lighter I mean simpler, not that I was ever a simple person. But I was able to enjoy simple pleasures by a mechanism which now eludes me because I can no longer bypass deeper truths. Once you’ve seen something you can’t unsee it. And though you will eventually move through it and past it, there is no forgetting. That girlish version of me danced around the wound, evaded it, until I ignored it so long it ruptured. Those simple pleasures (shopping sprees, brunch with friends, weekend getaways) were a form of coping, a distraction. In this moment, although profoundly more aware, I feel heavier. I know even this feeling will fade in time, and perhaps a sense of ease will return, in a new and different way.Continue reading
2019 isn’t over yet but it will easily go down as the worst year of my life. Earlier this year, in March, I had a severe mental breakdown. The incident was so bad that I was ultimately hospitalized and wound up on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. It all started with panic attacks that kept building in frequency and intensity. The panic became so prevalent that I eventually stopped sleeping. The insomnia was so severe that even a cocktail of Xanax and Ambien only granted me a few hours a night, if I was lucky. And the lack of sleep fueled my anxiety to epic proportions. I stopped eating. The mere thought of food turned my stomach, and my weight dropped into the 90’s. I was a shell of my former self and everyone around me could see it…
I remember walking into Nordstrom once a few years back, only to see they had launched a baby section adjacent to the children’s clothing department. It was full of bouncy chairs and teething toys, and I was horrified that a jaunt through Nordstrom suddenly meant I was assaulted with baby gear. I was with my brother at the time and I’m sure I rolled my eyes and mumbled something to the effect of, “Ewwww it’s my worst nightmare.” In my mind I was thinking, “Where are all the cute clothes?” I was never one for baby stuff…I detested walking into peoples’ homes only to see brightly colored plastic toys (i.e. junk) strewn allover the place. In this particular case I felt like Nordstrom did the unthinkable and squandered potential fashion real estate in favor of something infinitely less appealing – it was sacrilegious. I never wanted kids and I never wanted to see baby gear in an otherwise stylish department store. Continue reading
True story – a few months ago I got braces, and I haven’t posted since because I hate the way I look. It’s pretty sad because I’ve shot plenty of outfits, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to post them. I feel like my whole face looks different. My mouth definitely does, and it’s just too weird. So I’ve been staring at these photos on and off for months, wondering what to do. I straight up contemplated giving up blogging for the next year and half, but the problem is I like it too much and I’m not eager to quit. So I’ve concluded that I have to suck it up and deal with my new look if I want to keep going. This isn’t easy for me because I’m image conscious (duh!) and I feel so awkward with braces – they’re ugly, and my mouth looks all poofy, and I feel like I’m 12 years old. PLUS if I want to get glammed up and wear lipstick, it draws even more attention to the problem. And that’s just the superficial side of things – I’m not even addressing all the pain and discomfort at this point! That being said, I’m absolutely loving what’s new this spring, and I don’t want to miss out on the fun…
It’s no secret that I had the most obnoxious pregnancy EVER. Last year, I wrote extensively about the deep depression I fell into during my first trimester. Once I got over that hump, I was actually able to enjoy a small portion of the middle part of my pregnancy. The second trimester is commonly referred to as “the golden trimester” and now I understand why. Your hormones settle down a bit after the initial pregnancy surge, and you’re not yet experiencing all the discomfort associated with the third trimester. I was able to exercise and blog and live a somewhat normal life for about two months before things got bad again. It was right around 28 weeks that everything started going downhill.
First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for the ridiculous length of this post. I would not be able to say what I need to say and have it read any shorter. So on that note, thank you if you take the time to read it through. It hasn’t been easy for me to figure out how to talk about this, and I know that some who read it might not understand or agree. But what no one can deny are my own very personal, valid feelings. This has been my reality the last few months and for a while life was grim. I know there are other women out there like me, because when I first found out I was pregnant I googled it (pregnant and don’t want kids). I admit it didn’t make me feel any better. If anything it induced a sense of panic and made me feel a million times worse.