2019 isn’t over yet but it will easily go down as the worst year of my life. Earlier this year, in March, I had a severe mental breakdown. The incident was so bad that I was ultimately hospitalized and wound up on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. It all started with panic attacks that kept building in frequency and intensity. The panic became so prevalent that I eventually stopped sleeping. The insomnia was so severe that even a cocktail of Xanax and Ambien only granted me a few hours a night, if I was lucky. And the lack of sleep fueled my anxiety to epic proportions. I stopped eating. The mere thought of food turned my stomach, and my weight dropped into the 90’s. I was a shell of my former self and everyone around me could see it…
I remember walking into Nordstrom once a few years back, only to see they had launched a baby section adjacent to the children’s clothing department. It was full of bouncy chairs and teething toys, and I was horrified that a jaunt through Nordstrom suddenly meant I was assaulted with baby gear. I was with my brother at the time and I’m sure I rolled my eyes and mumbled something to the effect of, “Ewwww it’s my worst nightmare.” In my mind I was thinking, “Where are all the cute clothes?” I was never one for baby stuff…I detested walking into peoples’ homes only to see brightly colored plastic toys (i.e. junk) strewn allover the place. In this particular case I felt like Nordstrom did the unthinkable and squandered potential fashion real estate in favor of something infinitely less appealing – it was sacrilegious. I never wanted kids and I never wanted to see baby gear in an otherwise stylish department store. Continue reading
True story – a few months ago I got braces, and I haven’t posted since because I hate the way I look. It’s pretty sad because I’ve shot plenty of outfits, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to post them. I feel like my whole face looks different. My mouth definitely does, and it’s just too weird. So I’ve been staring at these photos on and off for months, wondering what to do. I straight up contemplated giving up blogging for the next year and half, but the problem is I like it too much and I’m not eager to quit. So I’ve concluded that I have to suck it up and deal with my new look if I want to keep going. This isn’t easy for me because I’m image conscious (duh!) and I feel so awkward with braces – they’re ugly, and my mouth looks all poofy, and I feel like I’m 12 years old. PLUS if I want to get glammed up and wear lipstick, it draws even more attention to the problem. And that’s just the superficial side of things – I’m not even addressing all the pain and discomfort at this point! That being said, I’m absolutely loving what’s new this spring, and I don’t want to miss out on the fun…
It’s no secret that I had the most obnoxious pregnancy EVER. Last year, I wrote extensively about the deep depression I fell into during my first trimester. Once I got over that hump, I was actually able to enjoy a small portion of the middle part of my pregnancy. The second trimester is commonly referred to as “the golden trimester” and now I understand why. Your hormones settle down a bit after the initial pregnancy surge, and you’re not yet experiencing all the discomfort associated with the third trimester. I was able to exercise and blog and live a somewhat normal life for about two months before things got bad again. It was right around 28 weeks that everything started going downhill.
First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for the ridiculous length of this post. I would not be able to say what I need to say and have it read any shorter. So on that note, thank you if you take the time to read it through. It hasn’t been easy for me to figure out how to talk about this, and I know that some who read it might not understand or agree. But what no one can deny are my own very personal, valid feelings. This has been my reality the last few months and for a while life was grim. I know there are other women out there like me, because when I first found out I was pregnant I googled it (pregnant and don’t want kids). I admit it didn’t make me feel any better. If anything it induced a sense of panic and made me feel a million times worse.
I’m sure some of you have noticed that I haven’t blogged in like a million years…(i.e. since February). The truth is, something traumatic happened in mid February that sent me into a temporary (but very intense) depression. For several months I cried myself to sleep at night and woke up every morning with a feeling of hopelessness. Now in mid May, I’m feeling decidedly better. I’m still not my former carefree self, but (fingers crossed) I’m on my way. Since I have some energy back, I realize how much I’ve missed blogging, and I happen to have a small backlog of looks that were shot right before things got crazy. This look was shot on a casual Sunday, while hanging out with my friend/assistant/fellow blogger Jessica.
I first met my good friend Jessica a few years back when I was looking for an assistant to help out with day-to-day fashion tasks (as well as Urban Darling tasks). She was a recent fashion school grad who applied to one of my job postings, and I liked her right away. She was a bit shy and quiet, but very sweet, and I knew we would get along well. While I’ve always been more interested in design and styling, she’s a talented seamstress who makes most of her clothes by hand. She also has a great eye for photography, and takes most of my blog photos. When I was married exactly a year ago this month (on Dec. 27th) I even asked her to do my wedding photos. It was a very small, intimate ceremony, and I didn’t want to make a lot of fuss by hiring a professional. Jessica was there with me through the whole process – as I got ready right through to the end of the event, and I think the photos turned out wonderfully.